LIN, jenna bai

”my daughter, she is a good girl. always listens to us and never goes behind our back. we found her on our doorstep with no birthday, no name, nothing—just that they loved our food and wanted to give us something in return. I thought it was going to be muffins. having been in the country for only a few years, i was counting on those muffins but it was something so much sweeter than i expected—jenna. she was a beautiful little thing, but was screaming for days on end sometimes. annoyance but we made do. learning that i was too old to have kids, this was something of a miracle that landed upon our doorstep. we were just opening the restaurant too, so it was all the pieces falling together. we are both from china but jenna, we don’t know where she came from. she is such a good girl, honestly. she is always studying or reading. we put her to work as a waitress when she was ten and then she was a delivery girl when she was fifteen, now she drives so it’s easier than the pink bike that her father bought for her for the sole purpose of work. it’s all about work with that man and it’s a lesson that he has instilled in jenna, it’s nice to see really. she was a straight a student, exceptional in science especially which is no surprise for her double major that has hitting the books hard. friends? no. jen has no need for those, she has to make an honest woman out of herself and though she is a good girl, she has a long way to go." - mother, fifty two

response: my mother would say that. she has always been so kind to me and so gentle, caring and attentive.she taught me how to be the perfect wife as well as the perfect student, though that is all a relative term. i hardly believe that perfection exists as even my own mother has work to be done but it's a close call on her front. she got my major wrong though, which is okay. she wanted me to a doctor but i'm squeamish so that option was crossed off the very short list that my parents gave me when i was eight. here is what it read:

lawyer (number two)
doctor (yes)
surgeon (heart or neurology)
teacher (least wanted)
accountant
businesswoman.

yep. i still have that list in the memory box that hides under my bed. it has a piece of my basket, my birth certificate with everything crossed out, birthday, even my name except jenna which my parents left as they said it suited me. i hate people assuming my name is jennifer or geneieve. it's understanding but after twenty one years, it can get a little tiring to repeat the same phrase over and over again. but that list was hung up over the same desk that i slaved over papers, essays, coloring sheets, anything that pertained to school work. that desk has been my pillow more times than the one sitting on my made bed. it was always a reminder to what i could be, what was expected of me. my parents never framed it, they just gave it to me one morning when i was eight over dinner. it was unexpected but school was starting to become serious and i brought home my first and last b in grade 4. i skipped grade 3 for some reason. guess i was a solid colorist. they wanted me to skip grade 10 too but i could not do so and my parents shut me out for two whole weeks because of the decision to stay with kids closer to my age. i was already the youngest by a year, i did not need more ridicule. but my mother's second choice on that list was my first as well as an english degree as i had learned to appreciate the literary world as much as my real one. school was my life, it kind of is but i'm branching out and i do not know what will happen when ma finds out, but i feel like things are going to get serious.

"good girl. that's really it. she is not amazing, she is not perfect but she has her moments of being so. she is a solid human being, decent, kind, much like her mother...the one above, not her birth mom. no. she has no traces except for appearance wise of those two. jenna has a long way to go. she has done well in her life but she is slow when it comes to work, and has called in sick three times in the past two months. she had to be really sick for that to happen. her major, law, mediocre in my opinion. she has the potential for so much more but it's oh well here..she is almost done with her four year degree but we expect law school in the future too. that is the dream if she is going to bring some shame to the family. the cheng's kid just got into hopkins, that's a big school! jen has gotten into elite schools but she chose home. stupid choice. maybe we need to push her from the nest..." - father, fifty six.

response: he's not going to see this right? because if so, this will ruin a lot. he is currently paying for my school as the job that i have in the family restaurant is obviously not enough to pay a forty thousand dollar tuition fee. i need him to keep paying for school and the only way that happens is if i maintain my 4.0 average, so no distractions. i try not to distract myself for his sake. for my pa. i strive for perfection just to get a single workd of praise but all i get is mediocre and good. his favorite word is good, not great, not awesome but good. i'm just good to him. i feel like i'm just enough. i bust my ....yea, off to be the best daughter and student that i can be. i am never late for my shifts, i usually stay later, i'm studying at the same time, i really have no idea what more he could ask from me. i would give him my heart if his failed but wait..i'm not a surgeon...so i ...okay, that's mean, i don't wish that upon him, i just wish he saw me for me and saw how hard i work to be the best of the class. ...moments of emotion, i get sarcastic, or sassy. it's gotten me into trouble before, mostly the cane. it's this small stick that m father would hit me with. they created welts, small but the thin stick was precise in it's mark and it hurt. i usually only disobeyed once but then i would mess up again, fall lower than perfect and get it again. they made them visible too, i had them on my hands mostly and could not hide them. they were just reminders and no one questioned it, they were my parents and they did it for a reason.

everything i do or don't do, it's all for them and they just do not seem to realize it.

this girl is the most uptight thing that i have ever met. she is always in the class early, and waits for everyone to leave to ask questions to the professor. she is a suck up, someone who just kisses ass and you can tell that those lips have been doing a lot of kissing lately as her finals are coming to a close. wonder if she ever screwed a professor...wonder if she ever screwed anyone. she is a little messed up, i swear she would bleed herself dry if she failed at perfection. everyone either loves her to death or hates her. i happen to hate her. she took my position as top of the class, something that i worked hard for. it seems effortless for her, i don't understand it but i can't wait for this class to end and i never have to see those doe like eyes again. - classmate, twenty two

response: wow. that was unexpected. i really am not sure what to say to this one. is this real? man...kind of mean. i wish i knew who this was. no one seems to understand that it's not effortless,it's not luck or skill, it's work. ...doe eyed? guess that works. but..really, the professor? never. i have a boyfriend who i'm loyal to ...the thought of sex for grades is horrific and degrading, i can't bring that shame to my family. ever. i can't know who this is? maybe i can make it up to them, or at least explain ...no one understands sometimes. well, each to their own i guess. can we throw this out?

"oh this girl. yea met her at a club on a ...saturday. she really did not touch the alcohol that was on the table but guys kept buying her drinks. think her name was jea...or jem, or something. she talked a lot about literature to me and i did not understand a word of it but she's smart, that much can be seen. it's like a filter for her, speaking of books or anything that does not pertain to herself. she only told me her first name, age and when i asked for her number, she told me no. it was worth a shot. is she here? maybe i can get a second chance" - club goer, twenty four

response: ....uh. yea. i do partake in that scene sometimes,not every night, not on weeks where i have an exam or an essay due but i am twenty one and i am legal to drink. i do not do it often and apparently i'm really boring...according to this guy. don't remember him at all actually but a second chance would not be happening, there is no way that i would cheat on declan. i don't talk about myself, or i really do not like to. i'm nosy, i can admit that so getting details about other people is a good distraction for me, people just seem to get the wrong idea behind my questions. i'll learn one day, even if it takes the cane. ....wait, ma and pa aren't going to see these right? they don't know that i go out...

"oooh this girl! shit, we have been through ups and downs together. her parents hate me but like i care, i'm the one friend that she has not given up for them and that's because i wouldn't let her. she still is hushed about meeting me and going out but damn, this girl can drink. it's amazing to see her guzzle shot after shot but she is really happy afterward, like really happy...if you catch my drift. she never cheats but her flirting comes out when she is drunk and baby, it's a sight to see. she is so innocent when you first glance upon her with her hair in a hairband and her cute outfits that her mother probably still picks out for her...sorry jenny, but alcohol changes her. it's great. and weird. it's weirat" --best friend, twenty two

response: "...this would surprisingly be my best friend from grade four. she was much like myself, bonding over being adopted but she got hippie parents instead of the strict ones. she had the freedom and my parents were always scared that was going to rub off on me. we were attached until about high school when influences and vices came around and she partook in all of them, while i hit the books. dwindling down to almost nothing, our friendship was hanging by a thread when she reappeared in my life and threatened to expose my secrets to my parents. not like dirty ones but i would surely be punished for them. she does not need to hang that threat over my head anymore but heather and i, we are very different. we are too different and that keeps us simple. i can tell her anything and she can tell me. she has seen me at my worst, obviously and at at my best. she has stood by every decision i make...and i question hers. i try and be a voice of reason but i fail..obviously. she knows of my dreams. and i know of hers. i could never tear myself away from her now. she's my rock when my parents are pushing on me, and a great shoulder to cry on when that pressure becomes too much. my parents hate her though, you can guess why...but it seems they were right but really, heather is the best thing in my life right now with how much criticism i am getting and she can give me exactly what i need, a night off from being perfection.

left out of the portfolio by accident

"she's been my girlfriend of a year and six days. it took a lot of persuasion from our parents as mine are higher in society and hers are ...well hers. she is an amazing girlfriend. little timid when it comes to physical stuff but get alcohol and she is a wildcat. kind of nice really. ...probably should not have said that. either way, i courted her, went to church with her parents, even worked in the kitchen to prove that i was worth my keep. i'm so proud of who she has become over the years as we were friends first, but i fell in love the moment that we met in first year of university. with graduation looming over our heads, i want to take things further...i want to go that extra step with her. dating is nice but i got to figure out a future for us as a male can only take so much kissing and teasing. now,i don't want to marry her to mess around with her but i want her mind off school...i want all of her, not just her physical form." --boyfriend, twenty three