ARCHER, kyle mason

my entire life has been in the shadow of my older brother, tucker. he is nothing like me and yet, i used to strive to be everything that he was in order to make my parents notice but i never meant to do what i did. tommy was just always so fraile and so small, i just wanted to make him see that he was strong and could handle a shove—i never meant for that to be his last. i loved that little boy to death. it was just boys being boys. we were playing on the tracks. but anyway, i don’t know if it was shock but after that summer, after that day, nothing was the same. our family shattered even more and tucker and i silenced our brotherhood then. i haven’t talked to that son of a bitch since the funeral and it was a fist fight that was doing all the talking when he hurt me and i hurt him. last i heard, he was here but it’s not my intention to ruin his life, but i’m not going to acknowledge his existence either. he is nothing to me, he was never much to me anyway but he’s even less now that tommy is dead, that was the only thing that had been holding us together and when he died, we died. i’m not the same guy that i was, i’m still guilt ridden but it doesn’t show as much as it does for tucker. it’s nothing to me, it doesn’t matter. it’s in the past, and i’m going to move on as best as i can even though i know that tucker is within fifty miles of me. what are the odds of running into him? at least i can be optimistic until then.

the good news is that i have never had to fight with my brother over girls, personalities, cars, sports, anything like that because him and i never agreed on anything and we still don’t. i love orange and he hates it. i have a preference for one night stand and that boy is all about emotional connection before sex. in my opinion, i don’t mind being laid by a girl whose name i don’t know, as long as she is clean and i did not pick her up on the street or from a pole dancing room, i’m good. i don’t grow attachments though, i don’t want to and i don’t force myself to. i have loved one girl in my entire life and it ended on okay terms, her and i still talk and …maybe i do still love her but it’s not a fairy tale life. it’s just…life. i have learned long ago that fairy tales were meant to be told, not to actually be believed in because it leaves nothing but disappointment. i fall into these moods sometimes, just remembering shit because no matter how hard i try and chase it away, it always comes back to me twice as fast.

i’m a little indecisive, or so i have been told. if i have options, i never want to choose the wrong one and that takes me a while to make the choice that i have in front of me. it’s hard sometimes trying to pick between option a or option b especially when it revolves around the future. i have never been good at choices, i usually pick the wrong one and have the wish to go back. like pushing tommy was not the option that i was going for but i went for it and g-d how i wish i could take it back. i wish i could united my family again but i can’t and it’s something that i will always live with. coins are often my best friend when having to make choices, and it takes me at least fifteen minutes to go through a menu and then i end up winging it, picking whatever i see first. it really pisses some people off but oh well. what i am not indecisive about is the people that i am with. they are a quick choice, and i can make the decision fast and hard to either keep you as a friend or drop you as though you never existed. i hold grudges, if you fuck me over, i’ll remember it and you can bet your ass that you will be sitting on the naughty list for quite sometime. i don’t like being put into tough spots like that, i don’t like hating people but it’s something that i can’t help and maybe that’s why my brother and i are so different while he has the quick to forgive act, i hold onto the hurt just to feel something. i don’t mind starting an argument and i usually end up starting them just to get someone’s fire going because that gives me some kind of entertainment, i’m not really a bad guy but i sure play myself out to be to keep those that aren’t worth my time away. if you can put up with the bullshit that comes with my personality, then you are golden in my books, if not, it’s not a big loss in my mind. my trust is hard to gain but easy to break and i’m not a fan of having my trust shattered before my very eyes.

the future is my weakness though and i will easily admit to that. i’m scared of what my future holds because of what my past consists of. i was never arrested or charged with the murder and it was always played off as an accident where he slipped but my family knows the truth—i know the truth. i don’t want that to dictate my future but it does, and i don’t want people to think that i’m some horrible person. i was a kid, i was sixteen, i was stupid and i made a mistake that ended up costing not someone’s life, but everyone’s life. that small mistake hangs over my head and i ignore it, and my family hates that which is why i’m not close to them anymore. they think i have no remorse for it, no care in the world for ending the life of my little brother but they are wrong, all of them. i do. i hate myself. but that’s too indepth, i don’t show that hatred for myself at any point as i have a charm about me that is so fake that’s it might just be real. i’m arrogant about my existence on this earth and i play myself out to be…not a big shot but not a low life either. i do have money to my name, and though i’m not the favorite son, tucker is even less than me. they think that tucker did it, but him and i know the truth and i’m not going to be fessing up anytime soon. tucker needs to have this on his head in order to keep him focused on his stupid swimming, well i’m going to continue to focus on lacrosse as i should.

i’m a car and a plane fiend though, i’m friendly with the gas pedal as i push my own car past the limit and end up breaking down somewhere but it’s my pride and joy. between a girl and a car in my sights, i would most likely go looking for the car and i have been known to be rather careless when walking across the street to stare at a beaut. this would be my father’s doing though, he always had toy car models lying around and though i was never allowed to touch, i did admire. my own car has been fixed up too many times to count but i don’t think that i could actually part with it. it’s been a huge part of my life, fuck, lost my virginity in that car! and naturally, wanting to be pilot, i have to have some kind of obsessions with planes. i work down at the airport in the hanger, usually 5..and 7, and 3..also the places that i have slept with stewardesses. but i am learning the inner workings of a plane currently plus, it's my major..maybe. i haven't quite settled down on what kind of pilot or what kind of plane that i even want to work with.

i thought about it, and realized mechanics was not the best major—which i have known. for now, i’m just floating through my days as a student are dwindling down and i’m nowhere near where i wanted to be in life but hell, what else to expect from a life that is no fairy tale.